"I have stretched cords from steeple to steeple, garlands from window to window, chains of gold from star to star, and I dance" (Rimbaud). King David leaped and danced naked before the ark of the Lord in a barren desert. Here the looped soil is an intricate throng of praise. Make connections; let rip; and dance where you can.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Lochloosa is on my mind...

me, mom, courtney and hailey went on walk around the neighborhood. im going to get in the shower and head out to knoxvegas. i need to go to the eye doctor, go by UT and best buy. best buy has cameron crowe films on sale for 6.99. that means i can get Almost Famous, Vanilly Sky, and Say Anything for under 20 bucks! major sweetness. I dyed my hair last night--just dark brown. the red was coming back thru, so i'm trying once again to blot it out. anyway, this is a pretty short entry. i upgraded my acct--i dont know that i'll actually use the upgraded features that I'm paying for, but I guess we'll see. Later days!

Posted at 08:08 am by Of the Flock
May Angels Lead You In  




Friday, October 07, 2005
Take me for longing or leave me behind...

I talked to Aaron the other night about us. I know that he is not prepared for a committment, and he has very good reasons (which I will not delve into here since that's his business and not yours) and I completely understand his reasoning. But over the past few days I have felt myself becoming more endearing with him, and feeling more and more like...well, that I didn't want to date anyone but him. Before we were just casually dating I guess, and I was cool with that. But I guess I began to feel a little more for him than I had. And since he's not ready for a committment, I don't want to just keep putting myself out there only to get my heart broken. Seems like a pretty stupid thing to do--I think every girl has done that at least once--I know I have. I don't want to string myself along knowing all along what his intentions are. I mean, I could wait around hoping he'd change his mind--and maybe he will--but it's like spending all of my money on lottery tickets when I know I have better things to do with it--what are the chances I'm actually going to win? One in a zillion. He told me that I make him happy and he likes being with me and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. He said he's really sorry that he doesn't do the things with me that he'd like to--like holding my hand more, kissing me more, telling me how beautiful I am, how much he learns from me. He said that for someone so young I have really taught him a lot about life. So I don't know...I kind of think that if he feels that way about me but won't committ then I am more of something to occupy his time. So I don't hold any hard feelings toward him--not at all--I just want to get myself out of the way. I think I can sum up perfectly how I feel in a song by Alanis Morrissette called "Not the Doctor": I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours / I don't want to be your glass of secret malt whiskey Hidden in the bottom drawer / I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine / Lend me some fresh air / I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you /
I don't want to be your babysitter You're a very big boy now / I don't want to be your mother I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months / Show me the back door...I don't want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon / I don't want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2 / I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face at midnight / Hey what are you hungry for / I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together / I don't want to be your idol / See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights / I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion / Please open the window / I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week / I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart and its wounded beat / I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling / What do you thank me / What do you thank me for?"

Last night me and Mal were going to go to Karen Wheaton's youth group called 180, but we left at 530 and an hour a half later we hadn't even got out of Knoxville. Traffic was so horrible. So we turned around and went to Carrabas to eat--we enjoyed Pullo Rosa Maria (YUM!) and then went to Barnes and Noble. Then we went to Disc Exchange...I got a CD by this guy Amos Lee and it's amazing. I love it! We were going to go to a movie but we were so tired so we went home. Then last night I had a really strange dream. I dreamt that Mallori got engaged to this guy that she had only been dating for like a week and didn't even tell me for a week. Everyone else knew though. For some reason, I got really really mad at her and cried a lot, especially when she told me she was moving to Georgia with him. He was a friend of Jaybo's and a whole group of guys came up to live here for a few months and all hooked up with a bunch of girls from the church. But not me, I was lil miss lonely. In my dream Aaron and I split up and I was super sad and kept looking at pictures of us thinking about how happy we looked.

Oh yeah. And the other night I apparently called Mark at 330 in the morning. I woke up to my phone ringing and saw it was Mark calling. I thought, "why in the heck is he calling me?" so i ignored the call and went back to sleep. The next morning there were two text messages on my phone. One said, "who is this" and the other said "real cute whoever you are". So i looked at my call log, and sure enough, I had called him first. So i called him later that morning to ask him about it and he said I didn't say anything, just sat there. But he sounded pretty ticked off, so i asked him why he was so pissed off about it. He said, "It just seems really convenient, thats all." I was like, what the heck is that supposed to mean?! whatever. I could see he obviously hadn't worked on any of his anger issues. I mean, lord. why be so mad? There are times when I still do miss Mark, because there were a lot of great things about him. But after hearing his tone of voice the other day, I realized I was just as happy doing without those great things and I definitely made the right decision. I certainly don't miss that tone.

Well anyhoo, I'm sitting here in Mal's office, about to go to knoxville with her, jeremy l and some guy jared. Had better get off and let her finish up.

Later days, kiddos!




Posted at 12:40 pm by Of the Flock
(1) Sleepless Go  




Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Have a lot to update

I haven't been able to update in a while. I have a lot to catch up on!

So...last Sunday Oscar decided to drink before going to pick up Courtney from work. And he took Hailey with him in the car. We had no idea he had been drinking. Had I known, I would have gone to pick up my sister myself. I found out about 2 hours after they got home. That was the last straw--I want beserk on him. I picked up Hailey and just started crying. I can't believe he'd endanger anyone like that--let alone his daughter or girlfriend.  So monday morning Courtney and I left at 6 AM and drove him to Pennsylvania to live with his cousins. We dropped him off and that was the end of it. I'm glad Courtney finally came to her senses! We went through Gettysburg on our way home and it was pretty neat. We walked around downtown and looked at all the neat little shops, then did a road tour of monuments and whatnot. We didn't take a lot of time, considering we still had 9 hours to drive home. We left at 6 AM and got home at about 2:45 AM the next day. It was a long trip. But hallelujah! There have been a lot of tears shed and a lot prayers going up about this situation. And I will continue to pray that God will prepare Courtney's heart for someone who is the perfect match for her, and that God will prepare his heart as well.

Speaking of preparing hearts, I've been going through a slight tug of war myself. Part of me has really enjoyed just being able to go on dates and it's great to get to "just have fun", but at the same time, I don't want to waste my time if I don't think I will marry the guy. I mean, I'm only twenty! But in a way, I do feel like I'm ready to settle down. I guess since I came so close to it, it's hard to revert back. I can't decide if I think it's worth it or not--to date around, I mean. I sort of think it's just wasted emotion.

I didn't get to write about playing tackle football last week...what a riot!! there was about 25 people, ages 6-25 playing football at the sevierville park--i was the mvp tackler, courtney was the mvp touchdowner, and aaron was the mvp quarter back on our team. i had some nasty bruises and a huge strawberry on the back of my leg! all my muscles ached after all the running and tackling i did! it was such a blast though. i hope we get to do it again. i've never wanted to just cream a little kid before, but there was this kid named duvante who was so cute but a TOTAL brat--i wanted to tackle the crap out of him. i couldnt believe i let a little kid get the best of me.

Not three days ago saturday but the saturday before we went chase's football game--we cheered so hard i almost fell off the bleachers! ha! me and mal had so much fun cheering along with the cheerleaders. Gooooo Tigers!

Tonight I have a cingular meeting at celebration station--we get food, go karts, arcade, miniature golf, etc. it should be pretty fun. last week our area manager took us to puleos (my favorite!) to congratulate us on attaining our monthly goals. we actually had a really good time there, too.  i have pretty much settled into this job--i like it pretty well. I am thinking, however, of applying at a credit union thats opening as one of their tellers--they said they start them at 9.50 or 10 an hour, which would be me working without a commission. the only reason i would really sacrifice the money is i would get to work bank hours--monday thru friday, 9-5! i would LOVE that.

Well work is over and I gots to go.

Roll out!


Posted at 02:06 pm by Of the Flock
(1) Sleepless Go  




Thursday, September 22, 2005
This week...

has been an interesting week. i have let go of some things that I think have hindered my walk with God and it's really great. i feel really excited about new beginnings and where I'm being called to go. i have to make some pretty big changes in my life, and im not apprehensive about it at all--im excited, actually. about 6 or 7 weeks ago, diane and roger were praying over all the students in the level 2 class, and i was really torn up about that weeks topic. as they were praying over us, i was just bawling. when diane was praying for me, she lifted my chin and looked at me and told me that she really felt like i was truly a lady. that i was going to set a great example for many women in our church. she said she could see how many girls already look up to me and that i really presented myself well and was really growing into an awesome woman of God. and that really stuck with me. that is a huge compliment from diane. she is one of the church counselors and she has great discernment--she looks into peoples' eyes and can really read them. and it felt really good that she thought that of me. and i want to really center my life around that--being a lady, i mean, and a Godly example for other women. My prayer today:

Break the Chains - Misty Edwards

Come break the chains, the chains that hinder love
all that remains of yesteryear
Come break the chains, the chains that pull me down
Come break the chains and draw me near

Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come and take away everything
Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come and write your name upon my heart
and all that remains is the light of your countenance
and I will be satisfied when I awaken
as a lover of you

Come break the chains, the chains that hinder love
All that remains of yesteryear
Come break the chains, the chains that hold me down
Come break the chains and draw me near

Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come take away everything
Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come and write your name upon my heart
'Till all that remains is the light of your countenance
And I will be satisfied when I awaken
As a lover of you

Who is this?
Garments stained red
Who is this?
Crown on his head
Who is this?
Running like a lion
Who is this?
He's roaring from Zion!
He's roaring from Zion!

Who is this King of Glory?
Who is this King of Glory?
Who is this King of Glory?

He's mighty to save all who call on His name
In righteousness he is mighty to save
He's mighty to save all who call on His name

Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come take away everything
Let your fire burn consuming me
Let your jealous flame come and write your name upon my heart
'Till all that remains is the light of your countenance
And I will be satisfied when I awaken
as a lover of you

Mal and I are going to asheville this weekend! Just taking a little mini vacation. It's kind of late minute, though, so I can't find ANY bed and breakfasts with openings for this weekend. We'll probably just have to stay at a hotel. we just want to go and relax and have a little fun. anyway, i have to get ready for work. everyone have a blessed day!

Posted at 06:00 am by Of the Flock
(2) Sleepless Go  




Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Pennsylvania

Courtney has been talking about moving to Pennsylvania with Oscar and Hailey. She says Oscar can get a job working 5-5, 6 days a week. He'll make 5-600 a week. I told her that was not enough to live on. She says she'll get a job too. I asked her where they'll live. She says they'll live with his family up there or they'll rent some place. (Yeah, some place that will probably be a dump.) I asked her if she really wanted Hailey growing up with a low standard of living. She said she wouldn't necessarily have a low standard of living. But there is just no way that is going to be a good life for her! Oscar is not even a good father!!! He doesn't help out with her hardly. He only holds her when Courtney tells him too. When she cries, he doesn't even try to comfort her. He doesn't make Courtney feel like she's the only girl in the world. I know that deep down Courtney doesn't love him. She's more than expressed that to me. I know she loves Hailey. Can't she see that she has it made here? She has a great job. She has never even lived on her own! She still relies on my mom and dad for so much. Why on earth does she think that moving is going to make it better?! I can't even stomach the idea of Hailey not growing up knowing the very best life has to offer. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll have a great life. But I know that Oscar drinks too much. I know that he treated her like crap--practically abandoned her while she was pregnant in Mexico. I know that he has no respect for Courtney, not as a person, not as a woman, certainly not as a wife, and has no respect for anything she has to say.  I just know that Courtney and Hailey deserve the very best. That's all I want for them. When will she wake up and start making some good choices?! It kills me to see how she hurts my mom and dad. Doesn't she see how she hurts mom?! She is so selfish. I am so torn up about this...I can't even express how upset I feel. I love that little girl so much. I have never known a love like the love for a child. She's not even mine and I know that I would do anything in the world for her. It's absolutely amazing. I just don't know what to do...

Posted at 05:12 pm by Of the Flock
(2) Sleepless Go  




Thursday, September 01, 2005
Virginia

I'm pretty excited; I'm heading to Virginia in half an hour to see my brother and sister-in-law! They just bought a house on the lake, and I'm going to help them paint and get things settled. They live 30 min from 4 different beaches so we may go out to the beach and we're going to do the cookout thing on saturday with some of their friends. i wish i didnt have to come back so soon. id like to stay even longer, but i have to come back sunday to help out with the fair pageant. i still have to make up some choreography for the girls for an opening number! and i have to teach it to them in 3 days...boy im a slacker...

so last night in school of leaders we were talking, and diane tucker gave this analogy. i had heard it before but forgotten it, and i think it's really good.

The sheep is one of the stupidest of all animals--they will literally graze themselves off a cliff because they don't have enough sense to stop themselves. That is why the Lord's Prayer says, "...he leads me beside the still waters..." Because a sheep must be lead. There is nothing else to stop it from stepping right into a rushing river. You see, sheep follow blindly. Most just follow the crowd; however, occasionally there is a sheep who goes astray; a rebellious sheep who wants to do things on it's own. So the shepherd has to break the sheep's legs, then hoists it up around his shoulders and carries it until it heals and learns to depend on him. It is the same in our relationship with God.

There has been a lot of things going on in the church right now. I honestly don't know everything that has gone down (and I don't want to know), but I know there has been some tension.  I love Pastor David and Pastor Crystal. Just thinking about people saying something about them or just thinking something negative about those two make me want to punch whoever is saying it in the face. I wouldn't, of course. But I feel super defensive of them. They give their all to us. They pour their hearts out to us. They have enough grief as normal, human beings--why would we, as the church body, want to cause them anymore??

I'm getting caught up with customers now, and I am supposed to be leaving in less than 5 minutes...grr...oh well. i just have a LONG drive ahead of me.

 


Posted at 02:27 pm by Of the Flock
(2) Sleepless Go  




Saturday, August 27, 2005
Seasons Change

Are you going through a dry spell?
yes, I've been there before
Where the trees are slowly whithering
Where their roots cry out for more
where the desert floor is dry and cracked
No clouds hang in the sky
No winter rain or spring it seems
No change in sight


But seasons change and then they pass
no way to know how long they'll last
I'd love to know the reasons why
But God knows
Seasons change and then they pass
no way to know how long they'll last
I'd love to know the reasons why
But God knows
Seasons change


Are you going through a dry spell?
I've been there a time or two
Where life seems to stay the same for a while
You want to change but don't know how to
It's the place where you feel empty inside
Can't put your finger on the need

I look at God and see what I want to be
I look at me and see what I am

But seasons change and then they pass
no way to know how long they'll last
I'd love to know the reasons why
But God knows
Seasons change and then they pass
no way to know how long they'll last
I'd love to know the reasons why
But God knows
Seasons change


Are you going through a dry spell?
I was there a while ago
Now I've come to a place where the rain falls
where the trees bear fruit and grow
where I find a refuge in my God
It's a place of surrender I know

I look at God and see what I want to be
He looks at me and sees His own



Posted at 10:13 am by Of the Flock
(2) Sleepless Go  




Tuesday, August 23, 2005
from josh

01. Name: Amanda Noelle
02. Age: 20 years
03. Where on earth do you live?: TN
04. What makes you happy?: being outside, spending time with God, dressing up & feeling pretty
05. What have you been listening to lately?: jack johnson, mofro,
06. Do you enjoy reading my LJ?:
07. If so, why?:
08. Interesting fact about you: i caught you a delicious bass
09. Are you in love at the moment?: in love with yo momma
10. Favourite destination: the mountains!
11. Favourite quote: "We are each of us angels with one wing, and we can only fly embracing one another."
12. Will you post this in your blog/online journal?: already did

Posted at 04:02 am by Of the Flock
(1) Sleepless Go  




Thursday, August 18, 2005
Haven't updated in a while

So I guess it's time to update this thing...

I guess the biggest thing that has happened recently is that Mark and I broke up. It was an incredibly hard situation but I do feel like it was 100% the right thing to do.

I have a good story. My friend Aaron and I hiked Mt. LeConte this past weekend. We wanted to hike up one side and then down the other, so we left my car at the Rainbow Falls end, where we would end the hike, and drove his car to the other side. So after we've already hiked to the top of Mt. LeConte and down to the falls (keep in mind this is already 9 miles, we only have 3 miles more to go) when I realize I left my keys in Aarons truck on the other side of the mountain! Aaron flagged down about 20 cars trying to get us a ride back into gatlinburg but we walked about another 2 miles before anyone would give us a ride. We hopped in the back of the truck and got pelted with rain on the way back up to the car. It was a pretty crazy afternoon.

I want to do something nice for someone...hmmm...

Posted at 07:27 am by Of the Flock
(3) Sleepless Go  




Saturday, July 23, 2005
Been too long...

So lets see...it's been quite a while since I updated anything of relevance.

I have recently acquired a really sweet technical pack for backpacking--the North Face MG 35--it retails for $110 but I got it for $56! It cinches down really small, but it's bigger than it looks. It is 2150 cubic inches, so it's the perfect size for little ol' me...check it out here: My New Pack

I also got a new sleeping bag, a Columbia Bugaboo...light weight, rolls up small, more than a liner, less than a down bag. Perfect for summer, and got it on sale at Dick's Sporting Goods, along with a groovy slumberjack pillow, for super cheap. See here: Bugaboo





I also got new bedding--it's rich red satin and it looks kinda sexy, actually. Sheridan Bedding




I've started at a different Cingular store, and I really really don't like it. They treat me like I've never worked for Cingular before, like I'm totally new. I'm trying to be patient though. The customers here really are much nicer, except one that I snapped on yesterday. I am usually so good at controlling my temper, but this lady was seriously pushing it. One of the worst things about the store is that it is super slow. I am only at 12 activations for the month, and we are half way through the month. Last month I did a total of 60! I may have even hit 62, I can't remember. Either way, if I'm lucky enough to even hit quota (40), My commission is going to SUCK.

So I've been listening to Karen Wheaton a ton...a cd called "Pentecostal Fire". Which I'm not pentecostal, but I grew up listening to that music so I love it. And she has a song on there that has a really powerful message. In 1 Kings, Elijah says to all those who are worshipping Baal, "There are 450 prophets left that worship Baal, and I am the only one left in this land to prophecy on behalf of God. Let's test your God. Build and altar put upon it a bull, then dance and praise Baal and ask him to send fire down to set the altar on fire. I will do the same. Whoever answers by fire is God." So they built a very intricate wood alter, adorned with copper and silver and gold. They danced and praised, they called out to Baal to set the altar on fire, but he never answered. They cut themselves and even offered their own blood, but all day and night, Baal never answered. So Elijah went to his own altar, made from 12 stones (representing the 12 tribes of Israel) and wood, which looked like it was in ruins. He said, "Bring me 4 jars of water (aprox. 1 liter each)." So they did, and he poured it all over the animals and the wooden altar. He said, "Bring me another 4 jars, and pour it upon the altar." So this they did several times. Elijah even dug a ditch around the altar and filled it with water as well. Then he prayed to God, "Oh, God, I love you and I thank you and I praise your name. Lord, show these idolaters who the true God is. Send fire down to alight this altar." And God sent down fire, which dried up the water in the ditch and burned the animals and scorched the wood. Then all those who believed in Baal acknowledged God as the only Sovereign Lord.

There are two really great messages to get out of this.

1.) 1 Samuel 15:22 says "to obey is better than sacrifice." Why? Because God doesn't want our empty sacrifices. He wants obedience. He wants us to belong to Him. We are supposed to to bring God our best, but Elijah's altar was not decorated with things of the world--he did only what he was asked.   Isaiah 1:11 "What to me is the multitude of your sacrifices? says the LORD; I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fed beasts; I do not delight in the blood of bulls, or of lambs, or of he-goats. 12 "When you come to appear before me, who requires of you this trampling of my courts? 13 Bring no more vain offerings; incense is an abomination to me."

2.) Psalm 51:17 says, "A sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."
This is where it is wrapped all together. God desires true repentance, a broken and humble spirit, not golden altars and fatted calves. Anymore, church-goers are afraid of approaching the altar. "What will people think?" "I'm scared." "I'm embarrassed." Or worse, "I don't need to go up to the front."
Let me tell you something--we ALL need to go up to the front. How many times have you said something unpleasant today? How many times have you even thought something unpleasant? Have you cursed? Are you angry with someone? Have you complained in front of other people? Did you treat your spouse with the utmost respect? Do you try to please him/her? Did you hug your children? Have you lied in the past 24 hours?
We need to lay our hearts on the altar before God and ask for forgiveness. Until then, we will never see any change in our lives.

"There's a shortage of the fire that we felt so long ago
The wood's dry on the altar, it's a lonely place to go
Out by noon every Sunday, people walking out the door
This barren and empty altar, saints aren't prayin' anymore

But the fire will fall when the wood is wet
at a tear stained altar when the church repents
Like Elijah on Caramel in the days of world
Wet wood on the altar means the fire will fall

I remember when I was a child how we spent the night in prayer
When Sunday mornin' rolled around, the fire was everywhere
The saints were crying and were shouting for all the Lord had done
After weeping at the altar, the battle was won

But the fire will fall when the wood is wet
at a tear stained altar when the church repents
Like Elijah on Caramel in the days of the world
Wet wood on the altar means the fire will fall"



Posted at 10:40 am by Of the Flock
(2) Sleepless Go  




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My name is Jonas...but you can call me Amanda. To know me, you must know my Lord and Savior--the Alpha and Omega, my beginning and my end. I enjoy music, movies, and reading books.

Fav. Books:
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
Before Women had Wings - Connie May Fowler
Anthem - Ayn Rand
Pilgrim at Tinker Creek - Annie Dillard
Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
I Am the Cheese - Robert Cormier

Fav. Movies:
Donnie Darko, Almost Famous, The Graduate, Mansfield Park, Roman Holiday, Requiem for a Dream, Pi, LOTR, Snatch, Wet Hot American Summer, Blow, Napoleon Dynamite, Dead Poets Society, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Fav. Bands/Artists:
Thrice, Radiohead, Co & Ca, Saves the Day, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, The Doors, 238, Modest Mouse, Elefant, Against Me!, The Stills, Calla, The Killers, The Veils, Communique, Mellowdrone, Jay-Z, Luna Halo, Waterdeep, =w=, Matt Pond PA, Deathcab for Cutie, A Static Lullaby, David Bowie, Fairweather, Keith Green, Third Day





   









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